Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
