i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
