i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
