I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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