her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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