So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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