Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
