The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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