dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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