She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
