I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
