Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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