Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
