The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
