yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
