just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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