id be glad to
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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