I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
