did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
