I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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