i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
