I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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