she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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