Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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