I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
