I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
