My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
