can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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