Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
