a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
