If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
