Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just want to make out with him forever
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
