OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
