I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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