I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
