I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
