Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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