I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
