I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
