i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
