you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
