just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
