Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
