but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
