somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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