so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
