Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
