Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
