So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
