If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
