At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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