I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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