you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
