I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
